The Five Senses

Friday Feedback with Erin Hahn: Using the Five Sense to Make Your Scenes Come Alive

https://ghpolisner.blogspot.com/2018/07/friday-feedback-with-erin-hahn-using.html?showComment=1532102294491#c3626309104818747995


not quite done with this..... 1st draft:
My office is situated in the far southwest corner. Walking past Sherry's and Tom's cubicles, I look straight forward. Talking to any of these people makes my palms sweat. The copy machine is whirring, and I overhear, "take these documents over to accounting to see if Bridget can make sense of them." I blow into my hand to see if I can smell the onions from my lunch chicken salad, and wincing, I swallow hard. I shouldn't have ignored Sherry and Tom's invitations for lunch. Their icy, cold stares as I walk by forces me to look down.

Erins' Feedback: I really enjoyed a lot of the details we got in here... the whirring, the wincing, the onions and the sweating palms! Fabulous. All of them spot on and so relatable. 

I noticed that a lot of the senses were spelled out to the reader rather than being experienced by the character. It’s a matter of tweaking. So for example: “Talking to any of these people make my palms sweat” and “the copy machine is whirring”. In order to put us in your character’s shoes, try “already, my palms are clammy, just thinking of talking to these people.” Or “over the whirr of the copy machine I can hear someone say...”

See the difference? Just a slight tweak changes it from the character telling us how to feel and the reader feeling it for themselves. 

2nd draft:
My office is situated in the far southwest corner. Walking past Sherry's and Tom's cubicles, I stare straight ahead. Already, my palms are clammy, just thinking of talking to these people. Over the whirr of the copy machine I overhear, "take these documents over to accounting to see if Bridget can make sense of them." I blow into my hand and smell onions from my lunch chicken. Wincing, I swallow hard. I shouldn't have ignored Sherry and Tom's invitations for lunch. Their icy, cold stares, as I walk by, forces me to look down.