Teacher's Write 7.15.18 Rewrite a paragraph, Make it Better

This is from Teacher's Write: (I forgot to post earlier in July:

Our guest author is Anne Marie Pace, author of the Vampirina series and other picture books, including her latest, BUSY EYED DAY. She joins us today to talk about picture book revision. This is a great lesson to share with kids when you’re talking about word choice.

Your assignment: Use your work-in-progress, or go back to one of your earlier writing exercises from this week.  Find a merely serviceable sentence, and rewrite it to make it sing.   If you like, share your revision in the comments!

Thanks for this exercise! I have written a legend from the Tongan Islands. It is based off a real legend that Tongans dance to and no one has written it down that I know of. I am going to try and publish it with pictures.

Original: In the scattered islands of Polynesia, there are many legends and myths. These stories are told and retold from grandparent to parent, to child. From the island of Tonga, there is a story about how Tonga received their first King. This story is called Tangaloa, and he is the great God of the Sky.

Revised Version: Far out in the wide sea, there are many scattered islands of Polynesia. One such island is called Tonga, and this story is how Tangaloa, the great God of the Sky became Tonga’s first king many many years ago.

What do you think? Starting a short story can be hard!

Jen

Posted July 16, 2018 at 6:05 pm | Permalink

What a fascinating idea for a story! I’m curious about how Tangaloa became the first king!

I emailed Katie and this is what she sent back:

I like this:

In the scattered islands of Polynesia, there are many legends and myths. One such island is called Tonga, and this story is how Tangaloa, the great God of the Sky, became Tonga’s first king many many years ago.

Your first sentence from the original really spoke to me.

Writing with my 1010 Students

Today was my CE 1010 students' second day in class. I pass out interesting photographs and set our timer for 15 minutes and write. I also write with them. They always enjoy this activity.

My first picture



The October air is sharp against my face as I walk toward the castle. The moat surrounding the castle is still, almost translucent. I feel as if everything about the castle is saturated by a mysterious golden light. Entering, my heart jumped into my throat as there were ghosts standing in the shadowy hall! A wax candle burned and the musty smell of damp and dust filled my nose. I froze for a few moments unable to move. I knew they were rumored to be there, but I had not believed it could be true. My relations, but which one? Why did they haunt this place?
I stepped forward towards them, and they vanished. All I could hear was my heart beating and nothing else. I took a deep breath and exhaled. Trembling, a little, I kept walking. The sound of my feet kept me from not thinking too much. Entering the hall, my eyes gazed at the painting on the left. One portrait in particular had cold steely gray eyes.



Eric pushed his still-damp hair from his face. She noticed he smelled faintly of cedar and fabric softener. The silence was broken only by their footsteps. She touched his arm and said, "Look." Before them was the old barn of their childhood. As they approached the barn, a squirrel scampered over a log. Pine and damp grass gave an earthy smell. The last time they were here it was summertime, but now the fall air was biting. "Do you think the secret box is still hidden in there?"
"I don't know."
He pushed the door, and they crept in. A cobweb fell across her face. The air was dusty and without much sunlight, she couldn't see everything before here. A sort of deja vu feeling came over her and she....



A fuzzy pink tinge along the horizon showed that daybreak was drawing closer. Clair stretched her arms over her head and then walked towards the dock. Hearing only the rustling of the trees behind her, and her bare feet, the silence was broken by a fish that leaped out of the water.
The sky lightened very slowly, and Claire felt like the air itself seemed to be quivering with anticipation. The lake seemed to be imbued with a mysterious glorious light. Sitting on the edge of the dock, she glanced down at the green mossy poles below her. She didn't want to break the spell as the sun rose and she watched silvery beams of light dance off the lake.
Rubbing her arms to warm herself, she was suddenly reminded of why she was here in the first place. A memory forced itself to the surface of the first time they came to this lake, but now her mother was gone. She tried to hold back the tears, but her eyes started to fill.

Tissie Sutton

Teacher's Write with Michelle Cusolito
http://www.katemessner.com/teachers-write-7-13-18-friday-mini-lesson-with-michelle-cusolito/
Your Assignment: Give this a try today. What topics have you been thinking about? (You have an idea file, right?) Follow my steps to see what you can dig up that has already been published and request the books from your library. Then see where your idea fits with what’s already available. While you’re looking, be alert for ideas that pop into your mind and jot them down. (Note: If you don’t have a list of non-fiction topics and you’d like to build one, check out my Teacher’s Write post from 2016 “Follow Your Curiosity.” In it, I give more background about Flying Deep and offer tips for finding topics) 

I have always been fascinated by my grandmother, my mother's mother. (I'm also fascinated by my father's, but my mother's led a more rebellious side of life). Here is what I know:

Christine Paxton - called Tissie
Born on the Onward Ranch 1895, one of eleven children.
Mother, Agnes, died at age 42.
Raised by the Borlands, went to live there at the age of 3 or 4.
Excellent horsewoman, her horse's name: Morning Plume
Excellent pianist, played for silent movie house and many dances.
Engaged to Nassau, but ran off and married Herbert Spencer (she was pregnant, oops)
Married 1912 at age 17.
Nassau worked at the Borlands, and that is where she met him, as well as Herbert who was a ranch hand.
Contracted tuberculoses and her first born daughter dies from tuberculoses at age 21.
Tissie helped Herbert start the William's Lake Stampede.
She rode her horse in many of the events. She helped make the crown for the Miss William's Lake Stampede Rodeo Queen.
Mom said that when they had to sell the home and the piano, she never got over it.

My thoughts: Only 17 and pregnant. I wonder if her older sisters had any impact on her life? They must have worried about her. Also, what about the Borlands? What did they think?

I have a box full of her letters to my mother after she married and moved to the states. But not much information about her life. I think it would be fun to do more investigation about the Williams Lake area during that time, and also tuberculoses at that time, and the stampede. Fill in the gaps with fiction.

Days of the Week Writing Goals

Jo Knowles challenged us to come up with writing goals for each day of the week:
I know that during the school year everyone gets super busy. It's hard to find time for our own writing. But what if you had some simple daily goals to help you stay in the habit of daily writing. Better yet, what if you could schedule just 5-10 minutes a day with your students to write together?  

For this final Monday Morning Warm-Up, come up with one small writing goal for each day of the week. For example:

Monday: Write a haiku or short poem

Tuesday: Write 500 words

Wednesday: Use a writing prompt to add something fresh to your work in progress, or to discover something new! 

Thursday: Write an active scene using mostly dialogue

Friday: Choose an emotion (sad, angry, worried) and write a scene using actions and dialogue that show this emotion, rather than spelling out how your character feels.

Share your 5 ideas/goals in the comments and I'll make a master list and post it at the end of the week! Then, you'll have all kinds of ideas to chose from each day. If we get enough, we'll have daily goals and writing prompt ideas to get us through the whole school year! Please share far and wide so we can get as many ideas as possible. Let's do this! And thanks for being here!

I will add a few ideas of writers who posted:

Dianne Anderson posted:

Monday- a spiritual reflection
Tuesday- slice & comments at Two Writing Teachers Slice of Life Tuesday
Wednesday- poetry
Thursday- sentence collecting from reading
Friday- letter
Saturday- celebration post at Ruth Ayers Writes

Pam wrote:
Monday: a word list
Tuesday: write a story or poem using 7 of the words from Monday's list
Wednesday: Write a pen pal letter to a person in another country, a person you have yet to meet
Thursday: Write about an act of kindness (one you have seen, done, or hope for)
Friday: Write about someone you have observed (in the store, on the road) but do not know. Make up a name and a life for them.

Monday – Setting - using pictures from outdoor magazine (LLBean catalog) describe the scene using your 5 sense. Now add your characters
Tuesday – 10 Common Word choices – list of “common” words: happy, sad, house, etc, using thesaurus, look up synonym and antonym replacements. Compose your new fabulously worded sentence using a new word choice.
Wednesday – Non-Fiction – 5 minute brainstorm of categories – space, revolutionary war, diseases – 3 minute brainstorm of specific topics in the category. Then some on-line research to use for writing.
Thursday – Opinion Partner Write – one for the other student against
Friday – “If I could Go Back in Time” – who would you want to meet – what do you think they were like, now research an aspect of their life to report.

This are my goals, which I might change because I liked some of the other writer's ideas:Thank you so much for Teachers Write! These last few weeks have been great; and like the others, I learn so much. I think this one posts me as anonymous - so, this is Kay. Besides these goals, if I was really serious about publishing anything, I would have to have a work count, but for now these are good goals below:

Monday- Do Research on a relative, or setting, or anything, read
Tuesday - Follow a Writing Prompt, read
Wednesday - Write with my AP Students, read
Thursday - Work on my own stories, read
Friday - Journaling, read

Monday--Freewrite for 10 minutes
Tuesday--Write about something new you learned today.  
Wednesday--Write a short book or movie review.  
Thursday--Read an editorial in the paper. Write a response to it.  
Friday--Choose one of your photographs and write about it. (100-200 words)

I absolutely love reading editorials but haven't quite figured out how to craft reponses quite as well as the ones in the paper and online.  

Enjoyed participating in my first Teachers Write! It has inspired me to start writing.

Jane :)

Goals for the Week

Thank you so much for your time. It is truly appreciated. Monday - write a poem, play around with something new Tuesday - Get to know a character. Choose a favorite activity they have and explore with your writing. Wednesday - Write about something you know, an event that has happened this week. Thursday - Develop your character through a conversation with another character. Friday - List pieces of interesting figurative language.

Teacher's Write - Friday Feedback

Friday Feedback
Gae,
I wish that I would have known about Teachers Write seven years ago, but you did say above that you could possibly be persuaded (beg accordingly) to continue. I will beg today. :) Teachers Write has been so rewarding for me the last two years. I am 56, and always wanted to write more. The daily writing challenges are so great. I really enjoyed reading your opening letter. I, too, want to keep reading. What happened in the middle of the night? What were the best parts and the ugliest parts that the person writing the letter wants to tell Aubrey? Your title is very unique, too. Jack Kerouac.  "the one person who always did" understand him/her - I want to know more about the conflict. Good stuff. I am sending an excerpt from a book I have wanted to write about the situations we went through with one of our children who we adopted at age 4. She suffers from Reactive Attachment disorder.

"Grandma wanted you to have this."
I opened the box and found one of her tea cups with a matching saucer. Flowers with acorns and berries. Yellow leaves, green leaves, brown acorns, and purple berries.
"Bone china, 'Duchess,' England. Grandma always said that she only bought them if they were bone china."
"I really miss her." My stomach worked itself into a knot. All this emotion, it was too much. I wanted to pull away. When I was younger, I couldn't figure out what this emotion was, and for years, I did pull away. Reactive Attachment disorder. There. I said it. All the good things that I had. A room, a sister, clean clothes, three meals a day. For years, I had felt my adopted family were temporary. I couldn't put my brain around it.
Mom pulled me close, and I let her. I hugged her back, and it felt so calming, and good. I could finally let go of some of the hate, the jealousy, and of not feeling adequate to reciprocate love back. I didn't feel worthy of it. But today, I chose. I chose not to pull away.

Feedback:

Kay B, thanks for the enthusiasm -- it's actually helpful! :) 

I think I know someone with that RA disorder... so I'm glad you're writing a piece that touches on it. I adore the intricate description of the teacup and can see the delicate berries. If anything, I want to FEEL even more how that teacup makes your protag feel. I get the knot and the missing, of the grandma, but what about this moment, this teacup, really brings the missing on? And what makes her (I assume since of the teacup) feel so strongly as to say RA disorder now in this scene. It feels climactic, so go there even the tiniest bit more? Of course, it's possible you're about to and in context I wouldnt have this longing. I LOVE all you have here and I just want a little more. 

Does that make sense?

Keep going! Gae

Gae,

Your comments make sense. As I read it again, I definitely should have another paragraph about the tea cup. I actually got all of my teacups out of the cupboard this morning, passed down to me, and described it, picking the one that reminded me of my protagonist. Totally need more here.
And again, this year and last year are the first times that I have shared any writing with anyone besides a creative writing class I had to take in my masters class. Very helpful, and encourages me that I need to find more avenues for this if I ever want to publish anything.

Samena - Write A Scene

Good morning! Our final Thursday Quick-Write for the summer comes from the amazing Tracey Baptiste.

Your Assignment: Write a scene in which a character has to communicate something important (traumatic/time-sensitive, etc.) but cannot use spoken or written language. They may be in a foreign country, or an alien world, or there’s some other reason for the restriction. Feel free to share a bit of what you wrote in the comments if you’d like!

Samena dashes into her father and mother's bedroom and sinks to her knees in front of their dresser. She reaches behind a drawer divider full of socks and snatches the extra set of car keys. Her parents have underestimated the secrecy of this hiding spot.
....need the middle story here....
She pulls into the garage, and laughing they walked into the kitchen. And there were her parents. Claire's face went pale. She opened her mouth to say something, but Samena shook her head at her, hard, and she closed it again.