Teacher's Write 7.15.18 Rewrite a paragraph, Make it Better

This is from Teacher's Write: (I forgot to post earlier in July:

Our guest author is Anne Marie Pace, author of the Vampirina series and other picture books, including her latest, BUSY EYED DAY. She joins us today to talk about picture book revision. This is a great lesson to share with kids when you’re talking about word choice.

Your assignment: Use your work-in-progress, or go back to one of your earlier writing exercises from this week.  Find a merely serviceable sentence, and rewrite it to make it sing.   If you like, share your revision in the comments!

Thanks for this exercise! I have written a legend from the Tongan Islands. It is based off a real legend that Tongans dance to and no one has written it down that I know of. I am going to try and publish it with pictures.

Original: In the scattered islands of Polynesia, there are many legends and myths. These stories are told and retold from grandparent to parent, to child. From the island of Tonga, there is a story about how Tonga received their first King. This story is called Tangaloa, and he is the great God of the Sky.

Revised Version: Far out in the wide sea, there are many scattered islands of Polynesia. One such island is called Tonga, and this story is how Tangaloa, the great God of the Sky became Tonga’s first king many many years ago.

What do you think? Starting a short story can be hard!

Jen

Posted July 16, 2018 at 6:05 pm | Permalink

What a fascinating idea for a story! I’m curious about how Tangaloa became the first king!

I emailed Katie and this is what she sent back:

I like this:

In the scattered islands of Polynesia, there are many legends and myths. One such island is called Tonga, and this story is how Tangaloa, the great God of the Sky, became Tonga’s first king many many years ago.

Your first sentence from the original really spoke to me.

Writing with my 1010 Students

Today was my CE 1010 students' second day in class. I pass out interesting photographs and set our timer for 15 minutes and write. I also write with them. They always enjoy this activity.

My first picture



The October air is sharp against my face as I walk toward the castle. The moat surrounding the castle is still, almost translucent. I feel as if everything about the castle is saturated by a mysterious golden light. Entering, my heart jumped into my throat as there were ghosts standing in the shadowy hall! A wax candle burned and the musty smell of damp and dust filled my nose. I froze for a few moments unable to move. I knew they were rumored to be there, but I had not believed it could be true. My relations, but which one? Why did they haunt this place?
I stepped forward towards them, and they vanished. All I could hear was my heart beating and nothing else. I took a deep breath and exhaled. Trembling, a little, I kept walking. The sound of my feet kept me from not thinking too much. Entering the hall, my eyes gazed at the painting on the left. One portrait in particular had cold steely gray eyes.



Eric pushed his still-damp hair from his face. She noticed he smelled faintly of cedar and fabric softener. The silence was broken only by their footsteps. She touched his arm and said, "Look." Before them was the old barn of their childhood. As they approached the barn, a squirrel scampered over a log. Pine and damp grass gave an earthy smell. The last time they were here it was summertime, but now the fall air was biting. "Do you think the secret box is still hidden in there?"
"I don't know."
He pushed the door, and they crept in. A cobweb fell across her face. The air was dusty and without much sunlight, she couldn't see everything before here. A sort of deja vu feeling came over her and she....



A fuzzy pink tinge along the horizon showed that daybreak was drawing closer. Clair stretched her arms over her head and then walked towards the dock. Hearing only the rustling of the trees behind her, and her bare feet, the silence was broken by a fish that leaped out of the water.
The sky lightened very slowly, and Claire felt like the air itself seemed to be quivering with anticipation. The lake seemed to be imbued with a mysterious glorious light. Sitting on the edge of the dock, she glanced down at the green mossy poles below her. She didn't want to break the spell as the sun rose and she watched silvery beams of light dance off the lake.
Rubbing her arms to warm herself, she was suddenly reminded of why she was here in the first place. A memory forced itself to the surface of the first time they came to this lake, but now her mother was gone. She tried to hold back the tears, but her eyes started to fill.

Tissie Sutton

Teacher's Write with Michelle Cusolito
http://www.katemessner.com/teachers-write-7-13-18-friday-mini-lesson-with-michelle-cusolito/
Your Assignment: Give this a try today. What topics have you been thinking about? (You have an idea file, right?) Follow my steps to see what you can dig up that has already been published and request the books from your library. Then see where your idea fits with what’s already available. While you’re looking, be alert for ideas that pop into your mind and jot them down. (Note: If you don’t have a list of non-fiction topics and you’d like to build one, check out my Teacher’s Write post from 2016 “Follow Your Curiosity.” In it, I give more background about Flying Deep and offer tips for finding topics) 

I have always been fascinated by my grandmother, my mother's mother. (I'm also fascinated by my father's, but my mother's led a more rebellious side of life). Here is what I know:

Christine Paxton - called Tissie
Born on the Onward Ranch 1895, one of eleven children.
Mother, Agnes, died at age 42.
Raised by the Borlands, went to live there at the age of 3 or 4.
Excellent horsewoman, her horse's name: Morning Plume
Excellent pianist, played for silent movie house and many dances.
Engaged to Nassau, but ran off and married Herbert Spencer (she was pregnant, oops)
Married 1912 at age 17.
Nassau worked at the Borlands, and that is where she met him, as well as Herbert who was a ranch hand.
Contracted tuberculoses and her first born daughter dies from tuberculoses at age 21.
Tissie helped Herbert start the William's Lake Stampede.
She rode her horse in many of the events. She helped make the crown for the Miss William's Lake Stampede Rodeo Queen.
Mom said that when they had to sell the home and the piano, she never got over it.

My thoughts: Only 17 and pregnant. I wonder if her older sisters had any impact on her life? They must have worried about her. Also, what about the Borlands? What did they think?

I have a box full of her letters to my mother after she married and moved to the states. But not much information about her life. I think it would be fun to do more investigation about the Williams Lake area during that time, and also tuberculoses at that time, and the stampede. Fill in the gaps with fiction.

Days of the Week Writing Goals

Jo Knowles challenged us to come up with writing goals for each day of the week:
I know that during the school year everyone gets super busy. It's hard to find time for our own writing. But what if you had some simple daily goals to help you stay in the habit of daily writing. Better yet, what if you could schedule just 5-10 minutes a day with your students to write together?  

For this final Monday Morning Warm-Up, come up with one small writing goal for each day of the week. For example:

Monday: Write a haiku or short poem

Tuesday: Write 500 words

Wednesday: Use a writing prompt to add something fresh to your work in progress, or to discover something new! 

Thursday: Write an active scene using mostly dialogue

Friday: Choose an emotion (sad, angry, worried) and write a scene using actions and dialogue that show this emotion, rather than spelling out how your character feels.

Share your 5 ideas/goals in the comments and I'll make a master list and post it at the end of the week! Then, you'll have all kinds of ideas to chose from each day. If we get enough, we'll have daily goals and writing prompt ideas to get us through the whole school year! Please share far and wide so we can get as many ideas as possible. Let's do this! And thanks for being here!

I will add a few ideas of writers who posted:

Dianne Anderson posted:

Monday- a spiritual reflection
Tuesday- slice & comments at Two Writing Teachers Slice of Life Tuesday
Wednesday- poetry
Thursday- sentence collecting from reading
Friday- letter
Saturday- celebration post at Ruth Ayers Writes

Pam wrote:
Monday: a word list
Tuesday: write a story or poem using 7 of the words from Monday's list
Wednesday: Write a pen pal letter to a person in another country, a person you have yet to meet
Thursday: Write about an act of kindness (one you have seen, done, or hope for)
Friday: Write about someone you have observed (in the store, on the road) but do not know. Make up a name and a life for them.

Monday – Setting - using pictures from outdoor magazine (LLBean catalog) describe the scene using your 5 sense. Now add your characters
Tuesday – 10 Common Word choices – list of “common” words: happy, sad, house, etc, using thesaurus, look up synonym and antonym replacements. Compose your new fabulously worded sentence using a new word choice.
Wednesday – Non-Fiction – 5 minute brainstorm of categories – space, revolutionary war, diseases – 3 minute brainstorm of specific topics in the category. Then some on-line research to use for writing.
Thursday – Opinion Partner Write – one for the other student against
Friday – “If I could Go Back in Time” – who would you want to meet – what do you think they were like, now research an aspect of their life to report.

This are my goals, which I might change because I liked some of the other writer's ideas:Thank you so much for Teachers Write! These last few weeks have been great; and like the others, I learn so much. I think this one posts me as anonymous - so, this is Kay. Besides these goals, if I was really serious about publishing anything, I would have to have a work count, but for now these are good goals below:

Monday- Do Research on a relative, or setting, or anything, read
Tuesday - Follow a Writing Prompt, read
Wednesday - Write with my AP Students, read
Thursday - Work on my own stories, read
Friday - Journaling, read

Monday--Freewrite for 10 minutes
Tuesday--Write about something new you learned today.  
Wednesday--Write a short book or movie review.  
Thursday--Read an editorial in the paper. Write a response to it.  
Friday--Choose one of your photographs and write about it. (100-200 words)

I absolutely love reading editorials but haven't quite figured out how to craft reponses quite as well as the ones in the paper and online.  

Enjoyed participating in my first Teachers Write! It has inspired me to start writing.

Jane :)

Goals for the Week

Thank you so much for your time. It is truly appreciated. Monday - write a poem, play around with something new Tuesday - Get to know a character. Choose a favorite activity they have and explore with your writing. Wednesday - Write about something you know, an event that has happened this week. Thursday - Develop your character through a conversation with another character. Friday - List pieces of interesting figurative language.

Teacher's Write - Friday Feedback

Friday Feedback
Gae,
I wish that I would have known about Teachers Write seven years ago, but you did say above that you could possibly be persuaded (beg accordingly) to continue. I will beg today. :) Teachers Write has been so rewarding for me the last two years. I am 56, and always wanted to write more. The daily writing challenges are so great. I really enjoyed reading your opening letter. I, too, want to keep reading. What happened in the middle of the night? What were the best parts and the ugliest parts that the person writing the letter wants to tell Aubrey? Your title is very unique, too. Jack Kerouac.  "the one person who always did" understand him/her - I want to know more about the conflict. Good stuff. I am sending an excerpt from a book I have wanted to write about the situations we went through with one of our children who we adopted at age 4. She suffers from Reactive Attachment disorder.

"Grandma wanted you to have this."
I opened the box and found one of her tea cups with a matching saucer. Flowers with acorns and berries. Yellow leaves, green leaves, brown acorns, and purple berries.
"Bone china, 'Duchess,' England. Grandma always said that she only bought them if they were bone china."
"I really miss her." My stomach worked itself into a knot. All this emotion, it was too much. I wanted to pull away. When I was younger, I couldn't figure out what this emotion was, and for years, I did pull away. Reactive Attachment disorder. There. I said it. All the good things that I had. A room, a sister, clean clothes, three meals a day. For years, I had felt my adopted family were temporary. I couldn't put my brain around it.
Mom pulled me close, and I let her. I hugged her back, and it felt so calming, and good. I could finally let go of some of the hate, the jealousy, and of not feeling adequate to reciprocate love back. I didn't feel worthy of it. But today, I chose. I chose not to pull away.

Feedback:

Kay B, thanks for the enthusiasm -- it's actually helpful! :) 

I think I know someone with that RA disorder... so I'm glad you're writing a piece that touches on it. I adore the intricate description of the teacup and can see the delicate berries. If anything, I want to FEEL even more how that teacup makes your protag feel. I get the knot and the missing, of the grandma, but what about this moment, this teacup, really brings the missing on? And what makes her (I assume since of the teacup) feel so strongly as to say RA disorder now in this scene. It feels climactic, so go there even the tiniest bit more? Of course, it's possible you're about to and in context I wouldnt have this longing. I LOVE all you have here and I just want a little more. 

Does that make sense?

Keep going! Gae

Gae,

Your comments make sense. As I read it again, I definitely should have another paragraph about the tea cup. I actually got all of my teacups out of the cupboard this morning, passed down to me, and described it, picking the one that reminded me of my protagonist. Totally need more here.
And again, this year and last year are the first times that I have shared any writing with anyone besides a creative writing class I had to take in my masters class. Very helpful, and encourages me that I need to find more avenues for this if I ever want to publish anything.

Samena - Write A Scene

Good morning! Our final Thursday Quick-Write for the summer comes from the amazing Tracey Baptiste.

Your Assignment: Write a scene in which a character has to communicate something important (traumatic/time-sensitive, etc.) but cannot use spoken or written language. They may be in a foreign country, or an alien world, or there’s some other reason for the restriction. Feel free to share a bit of what you wrote in the comments if you’d like!

Samena dashes into her father and mother's bedroom and sinks to her knees in front of their dresser. She reaches behind a drawer divider full of socks and snatches the extra set of car keys. Her parents have underestimated the secrecy of this hiding spot.
....need the middle story here....
She pulls into the garage, and laughing they walked into the kitchen. And there were her parents. Claire's face went pale. She opened her mouth to say something, but Samena shook her head at her, hard, and she closed it again.

Character/Emotion/Setting Samena

Teachers Write with Olugbemisola Rhuday-Perkovich!

Character/Emotion/Setting

Often when we think of writing stories, we think primarily of the character and setting — the who and the where/what.  One of the ways to deepen a story and write three-dimensional characters is to be thoughtful about their emotional life and how they express those emotions in different situations. I often use a variation of this exercise as a writing game with small groups; it’s fun to see how differently we may think about demonstrations of thought and feeling!

Your Assignment: Write a scene using the following:

1) Create a character (include their age, race and ethnicity, gender)

2) and now…using that same character, mix and match setting and emotion.

a) Put them in a SHOPPING MALL, and the emotion is FRUSTRATION

b) in a CLASSROOM, and the emotion is JOY

c) at the BEACH, and the emotion is FURY

d) in a New York City subway station, and the emotion is EXHILARATION

e) in a KITCHEN, and the emotion is SURPRISE

f) in a PARK, and the emotion is DISGUST

g) in a CAR, and the emotion is SHAME

h) on a FARM, and the emotion is ENVY

i) at a BASKETBALL GAME, and the emotion is ANXIETY

j) in a SWIMMING POOL, and the emotion is LOVE

For each of these, be thoughtful about the ways that your character’s traits and the setting impact their actions, how the same trait is expressed differently, depending on the situation. Get to know your character even more, and most of all, have fun! And feel free to share a bit of what you wrote in the comments today if you’d like.

Driving down the lane to the farm, Samena rolled down the windows of the car. The pasture was suffused with a mysterious golden light. Now that she had moved away, she longed to pick raspberries or walk the trail to the river. She wanted to feel all those little feelings and emotions that only yourself can pinpoint. The feeling of another summer nears its end. Or the day after Christmas. If only she hadn't been in such a hurry to grow up and move away. She wished to be back, carefree, and trying to skip rocks into the river. 

Two Sides of a Character - Samena

Teachers Write

Your Assignment:  This exercise is based on ideas from “Composing A Life,” by Mary Catherine Bateson, a sociologist (and also Margaret Mead’s daughter). For more, I suggest listening to Bateson’s interview on the On Being podcast from a few years ago.

In the meantime, you can apply this exercise to any of your characters, or even to yourself, which can also be illuminating.

STEP ONE

What are the two sides of your character’s story? That might refer to her entire lifetime; her arc within the story; a specific scene or chapter; or even an individual moment. Almost always, at whatever scale, there is more than one thing going on.

I’ll use myself as an example. Both of these stories about me are true to my experience:

Story 1: In high school, I lived in the coolest little hippie town in America, surrounded by an academic, artistic, and diverse community. I was popular, confident, and involved in all kinds of extra-curricular activities. I loved my friends, and felt like I could truly be myself around them.  I learned a ton in those four years, and I’ve never lived anywhere like it since.

Story 2: In high school, I lived in the most boring little town in America, surrounded by corn fields and pig farms. I was deeply closeted and keeping it a secret, not just from everyone around me, but also from myself.  There was still so much I didn’t know. In fact, all I really knew was that I couldn’t wait to get out of Yellow Springs, Ohio.

STEP TWO

Now look for the continuity between those two sides of the story. Bateson poses this as a sociological question, but I’ve borrowed it with my storyteller’s hat on. What is it about your character (or yourself) that unites those seemingly conflicting truths?

Working off my own example, I’d say that the continuity for me was in two things: SMALL TOWN LIFE and SURVIVAL. Which is to say, yes, I grew up in a really cool little town, and yes, it was still (for me) the absolute middle of nowhere. Also, while one part of me thrived in high school, that was only possible because I was also keeping another part of myself hidden from the world.

STEP THREE

Write a scene that captures some of this duality. How might the contradiction manifest? And how might the continuity? Maybe it’s a scene you can use in your finished story. Or maybe it simply helps inform your overall writing process. Either way, I hope it might be useful for some of you.

ADDITIONAL FOOD FOR THOUGHT

Some questions to consider if you’re feeling stuck:

What is/are your character’s internal conflict(s)?

Are there competing stakes in your story? Two things the character wants, but can’t have both? If not, would that improve the story?

What is/are your character’s shadow trait(s)?

Where at the beginning of your story is the person your character will (or might) become?  Can you show the potential for that change? (And do you want to?)

How is your character the same (and changed) at the end of the story?

Chris,

Thanks for the great exercise. I have been working on a fiction story with my daughter about some of the things she experienced while growing up (she is 23 now). She is adopted, and really struggled throughout her childhood, but mostly on the inside. One of the experiences she mentions was that in 5th grade, a boy behind her said he couldn't see the board because of my daughter's big hair (and she was quite tall in 5th grade, until everyone else caught up to her). She was really embarrassed about this, and started to always pull her hair in a bun. Writing this just today, I realized that I am "telling" more than "showing." Needs more revision. 

Walking to the student section of the football game, I had high fives from at least ten people. Claire and Paige had saved me a seat. Matt and Spencer were behind us, and my 5th grade self worried that someone wouldn't be able to see over by "big hair," and so I pulled it into a tight bun, sleeked down the sides and top with gel. Why is it that I am friends with all these people, and I really like Matt, but he only sees me as a fun Polynesian girl? Boys like me, but they don't date me. On the outside, I am the fun Polynesian girl, but on the inside...I hurt. My face has a smile on it, my body movements are confident, my eyes light up, and I joke around in conversation. But my heart...in my bedroom...later that night....I feel isolated; I feel alone.

Chris Tebbetts

Posted July 30, 2018 at 5:21 pm | Permalink

Thanks for sharing all this, Kay! I (think I) see how you’re pulling that dual narrative into one scene here, which can be such a potent thing to do, and feels very human as well. Life is complicated, right? And being young offers no exemption from that fact. … I’m also guessing that with future revision, and as you fall deeper and deeper into this story, you’ll find more ways to winnow out your telling in favor of showing — or (in my experience) sometimes simply winnowing out the telling, which feels more necessary in earlier drafts as we find the story for ourselves, and before we translate what we need to know (a ton) into what the reader needs to know (less than a ton) about any given character or situation. It makes me think of the Stephen King quote about how we write the first draft for ourselves and the next draft for the reader. Either way, you have a potent situation here, where something as “simple” as a character’s hair can speak to some of the larger issues in your story. More duality! (I call that double duty in my writing workshops — letting the ingredients of the story work FOR us, doing more than one thing at a time.)

ps — All of that said…. I also hear more and more people pushing back on the “show don’t tell” idea…. which is to say, it’s good advice in good measure, but sometimes telling is just what the reader wants, to help things move along more efficiently.

Chris

Friday Feedback Teachers Write. 

Josh and Gae,
https://ghpolisner.blogspot.com/2018/07/friday-feedback-josh-funk-dos-and-donts.html?showComment=1532717637779#c321592022190276236

Thank you for all your time! I teacher high school, and like to read picture books for bell work, so I will definitely be buying Lost in the Library. Everyone likes a good rhythm in a book, right? Your ideas and Do's and Don'ts are great. Gae - I want you to know that I used a quote from your book last year as a Bell Work - "Tuesday, and those planes, they've broken something. Permanently. And in the process, they've changed everything. And everyone." We talked about 9/11 and how our actions can also affect others. Love your books and feedback. 

This is a story that I have worked on for a few years. These first two paragraphs are true, but some of the rest of the story I fictionalize. I don't like the first paragraph, and I have revised it quite a few times. I want to tell the reader right away how the accident happened, but it seems choppy. I could use any feedback. 
It was the summer before my sophomore year into high school. I was finally going to Madison High and I felt grown up, but all that changed when a drunk driver hit the back of an open jeep causing my twenty year old brother, Chris, who was riding in the passenger side to be ejected, even though he was wearing his seat belt at the time. Although the doctors did all they could, he died two days later, August 2, 1977. I thought seat belts were supposed to save lives? I wasn't excited about anything anymore. Especially about starting high school. 
We didn't always get along, but my last conversation with Chris was pretty positive. He had taken a spill on his motorcycle, and it was fixed and sitting in our garage. Mark, my little brother, and I were checking it out. He said to us, “Guess who’s going to be the first to go out for a spin this weekend?” I thought that this was a trick question. But he said, “You two.” “Wow,” I thought, “he really likes us.” Those were the last words that he spoke to me.

From Gae Polisner- Friday Feedback:
Kay B, first of all, thank you for that beautiful share about THE MEMORY OF THINGS. That really touched me. As for your piece about Chris, I remember it from last summer, right? It's still brutal and painful.

I'm giving you advice from my gut and hoping it helps and is "right" -- I think what you need to do for now is:

1. Write forward and don't worry about the beginning. It so often changes and it's only when we get to the middle or end, or even revisions of drafts that we see where the real opening should be; and

2. Slow all this down. Take me there with either your MC (narrator -- you?) or Chris, but let's say your MC for now, and let me get to know her. Let me see how it feels to walk into the school. Show all of this by luxuriating, breaking into chapters and trusting that the characters are interesting and we want to know them. Ask yourself Why and What questions: What is the story I'm telling. Why am I telling it. Why does it matter not only to me, but the characters? Show that. You actually have a TON here. Take your time. Break each part into the scene and take us there. The MC walking into school feeling mature, establishing herself, feeling ready to conquer the world. At home, SHOW us the scene with the brothers -- its whole own chapters. And when you're ready, write the scenes with Chris getting into the jeep, putting his seatbelt on, etc. So much powerful to mine here. Does this help. 

Life Experience Turned to Fiction

Our Thursday Quick-Write today is a team effort from Jen Petro-Roy and Ammi-Joan Paquette.

Q: How do you know when a life experience or idea is “the one” to make it into fiction? When it comes to tough subjects, how much is too much?

Joan: I think the best ideas to pursue as a writer are the ones you absolutely cannot put out of your mind—the ones that won’t let you go, no matter what. The ones you can’t help but write. So how do I know when a story is “the one”? When it hunts me down until I write it, and forces me to stick with it come what may. (As a matter of fact, I’m wrestling with just such an idea right now…!) And there is something cathartic about exploring difficult life experiences through fiction, even for us as writers. I think sometimes we sit down with big life questions, framed as the experiences of others, and through the safety of that fictional lens, we can work through to understand what we truly believe, and want, and are.

So how much is too much? That’s a question that only I can answer for my stories, and only you can answer for yours. One thing I do know for sure, though: It never hurts to try. It never hurts to start.

Your Assignment: Brainstorm a list of situations and experiences in your recent or distant past that come back to you. It might be a big challenging life turn, or it might be the smallest conversation or exchange that left you scratching your head or cringing in embarrassment. Try retelling that event in a fictional setting. What will you change? What will you preserve? What is it about that incident that has so captured your mind that you have not been able to forget it? Maybe it would do the same to another reader, somewhere . . .  As always, feel free to share reflections in the comments.

Browsing through a clothes rack with Brett on my hip, a girl who worked in the store approached me.
"Can I help you with anything?"
"I am looking for a coat for this little guy," shifting Brett from one hip to the other.
"How old is he?" she said.
Should I explain that he is 18 months old, but looks like 9 months, and that he doesn't walk yet because he has Down syndrome, or should I just say 9 months old?
"Well, I am looking for a 12 month size; he is little for his age, he has Down syndrome."
And right then and there, this girl asked if she could hold him, and starting crying.
"Sure you can, are you all right?"
She explained to me that she had just had an abortion because the test confirmed she was carrying a baby with Down syndrome. She wasn't married, and her boyfriend didn't want the responsibility.
"I made the wrong decision," she cried. "I don't know if I can get over it."
She wanted to know everything he was doing, and if it was easy. I tried my best to comfort her. We talked for awhile, and then we left. I have thought about her over the years, and I hope that she has been okay.

Italian Food

Teacher's Write: Eat to Write by Hena Khan

Your Assignment:  Think back on what you ate yesterday, and create a food journal for the day. But not any regular old, boring food journal! Instead, bring each of the meals to life with descriptions that would make the most over-the-top food critic wannabe Yelp reviewer jealous. That vanilla flavored non-dairy creamer in your coffee? Even it can have a starring role if you desire. Give each of the foods you consumed context and meaning. How did they make you feel about yourself and your purpose in life? Can you find any symbolism between what you ate and your mood? Can you write any amazing metaphors or similes? Your journal entries for the day can be an ode to the food you ate, or hate mail, or a combination of both. You could keep the food descriptions simple and add categories if you choose, like “WHAT I WISH I ATE INSTEAD” or “HOW THIS RATES COMPARED TO THE BEST MEAL I EVERY HAD” Let your imagination run wild.

Don’t forget snacks. And feel free to fictionalize if it’s more fun. The pantry is the limit! I’d love to read your favorite lines or entries in the comments. Happy writing!

Hena, 

Thank you for this prompt. I bought Amina's Voice last year, and I look forward to looking at your new chapter book series. 

For me, food is a means of fueling. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy food, but for the most part, I just eat without thinking about it too much. I spent years making food for 5 children and a husband. My husband and I were/are into healthy eating. But we do love ice cream and homemade chocolate chip cookies. Now that I am older with kids out of the house, I am enjoying food a bit more. I found out that I have a love affair with Italian food as I spent two weeks there in June. Here is a sampling of what I wrote in my journal, and I changed a few things.

After spending 3 days in Rome, we were in northern Italy in a small town called Trento. We walked to this little cafe and I ordered tea and yogurt with fresh berries. Why do I like greek yogurt so much? It is kind of like an ice cream treat to me, the sweet sourish taste with fresh berries. European yogurt is so creamy, like eating a dessert. 

Hours later after walking through a castle (Castello del Buonconsiglio), we stopped for a late lunch of herb and ricotta ravioli, spaghetti and meatballs. The fresh herbs and spices are like some sort of orgastic (yes, I stole this word from The Great Gatsby's ending sentences) party in your mouth. The cheeses, the bread, the sauce, and the romantic atmosphere. Italy is so exotic. 

Later that night, we ate at our friend's outdoor table with small tomatoes, mint, and basil picked just steps away. Fresh bread, homemade lasagna, apricots, salad, and cheeses. There were two kinds of balsamic vinegar. One was more fruity tasting. We think we figured out why Italians are somewhat healthy: no sauces such as mayonnaise, ranch, or ketchup. And they enjoy life at a more leisurely pace. It is nice to sit around the dinner table and talk. 

I think we ate gelato every day while we were there! Chocolate, pistachio, the flavors go on, just to look at the flavors in the glass case is a mouth watering pleasure. 

The Five Senses

Friday Feedback with Erin Hahn: Using the Five Sense to Make Your Scenes Come Alive

https://ghpolisner.blogspot.com/2018/07/friday-feedback-with-erin-hahn-using.html?showComment=1532102294491#c3626309104818747995


not quite done with this..... 1st draft:
My office is situated in the far southwest corner. Walking past Sherry's and Tom's cubicles, I look straight forward. Talking to any of these people makes my palms sweat. The copy machine is whirring, and I overhear, "take these documents over to accounting to see if Bridget can make sense of them." I blow into my hand to see if I can smell the onions from my lunch chicken salad, and wincing, I swallow hard. I shouldn't have ignored Sherry and Tom's invitations for lunch. Their icy, cold stares as I walk by forces me to look down.

Erins' Feedback: I really enjoyed a lot of the details we got in here... the whirring, the wincing, the onions and the sweating palms! Fabulous. All of them spot on and so relatable. 

I noticed that a lot of the senses were spelled out to the reader rather than being experienced by the character. It’s a matter of tweaking. So for example: “Talking to any of these people make my palms sweat” and “the copy machine is whirring”. In order to put us in your character’s shoes, try “already, my palms are clammy, just thinking of talking to these people.” Or “over the whirr of the copy machine I can hear someone say...”

See the difference? Just a slight tweak changes it from the character telling us how to feel and the reader feeling it for themselves. 

2nd draft:
My office is situated in the far southwest corner. Walking past Sherry's and Tom's cubicles, I stare straight ahead. Already, my palms are clammy, just thinking of talking to these people. Over the whirr of the copy machine I overhear, "take these documents over to accounting to see if Bridget can make sense of them." I blow into my hand and smell onions from my lunch chicken. Wincing, I swallow hard. I shouldn't have ignored Sherry and Tom's invitations for lunch. Their icy, cold stares, as I walk by, forces me to look down. 

Editing Shelter Me

Distancing Words and Tightening Prose

When we’re telling stories, we’re inviting readers into our characters’ worlds. We want our readers to experience the same emotions and situations that our character feels, because the closer we identify with a character, the stronger the story. Also, the harder it is for that reader to put the book down (and we never want readers to stop reading!).

One of the craft elements that I’ve been focusing on recently, and wish I had known about when I was writing my earlier novels, is the elimination of distancing words. These words dilute the connection between reader and character—so instead of being in a character’s shoes, it’s as though we’re watching them live their lives through a pane of filmy glass.

We do so much work to build exciting worlds, use active verbs, give our main characters strong voices and clear wants and desires…but these distancing words can put all that work aside.

These words on the page create distance between the reader and the story. Think about the way that you experience the world. Is this the way you talk in your head?

I am going into the room. 

I hear the whirring of the fan.

I realize that I left my sneakers at the pool.

I’m willing to bet that you don’t actually think this way in real life. So we don’t want our characters, and by extension, our readers, thinking this way, either. Distancing words separate readers from the main character, whether we’re aware of it or not. There’s that filmy glass plate between the reader and the narrator—and no one wants to look at or listen to something through filmy, sticky glass.

So how do you fix it?

Distancing words are easy to spot once you know what you’re looking for, and make an incredible difference once they are gone.

Distancing words (sometimes called “filter” words) include:

I heard/hear/saw/see

She smells/feels/thinks

They realize/understand

We look/watch

One way to think about these words is that they are telling readers what the action the character is doing, as opposed to directly showing readers the character’s actions.

Here’s an example:

I saw the cat enter the room.

Without the distancing word:

 The cat entered the room.

 The reader already knows we are in a first person narrative, and that the narrator sees with their eyes (assuming this character is not visually impaired). So the we as the writer can safely eliminate the distancing word and restructure the sentence to be more of a direct experience for the reader.

Now, my two caveats to all of this: 1.) this is a great craft element to focus on in revision, or to help you warm up for the day’s writing by reviewing the previous day’s work. This is not something that I focus on while drafting, because I’d be so busy worrying about distancing words that I wouldn’t get work on the page!

2.) Sometimes you need a distancing word—the sentence/idea won’t work without it. That’s okay! If you try to remove the word and you can’t, you likely need it! And that’s how you know you’re using those words to the best of their ability.

Ready to tighten your story and get rid of those distancing words?

Your Assignment: Select a section of your work – either from a work-in-progress or from something you wrote for camp earlier in the summer. Print it out (or you can do this on the computer, but I like to work with paper when I revise). Highlight all of the distancing words that you find in the section. Then, go through them: are there ones that are necessary to keep? Ones that you can get rid of?

Make the edits and review the tightened section the next time you’re at the computer. Does it feel more immediate to you? What does it do to your pacing?

Leave me your thoughts in the comments. I’ll respond, and draw a random winner on July 24 to receive a copy of my newest novel, LIGHTS, CAMERA, DISASTER (Arthur A. Levine, 2018).

Old paragraphs:

"Hi, hey thanks for last night. Here is my number." I saw my boss looking over at me.

"Shoot, my boss is looking over here. I better go back to work, but I will call you."

After twenty more minutes or so, she left, but again, as she rose, she crumpled up a piece of paper and threw it away. 

When I saw that she had gone through the doors, I slowly walked over to the waste basket. Like a mouse grabbing for a piece of cheese before the trap snaps shut, I grabbed the yellow piece of paper. I could hear the rain fall on the skylight as I sat underneath.

Revision:

"Hi, hey thanks for last night. Here is my number."

"Shoot, my boss is looking over here; I better go back to work, but I will call you."

After twenty more minutes or so, she left, and again, she crumpled up a piece of paper and threw it away. I slowly walked over to the waste basket. Glancing around, I grabbed the yellow piece of paper, like a mouse grabbing for a piece of cheese before the trap snaps shut. Sitting under the skylight, I read the paper as the rain pelted above. 

Setting Exercise

Teacher's Write 7/19/18
Your Assignment:
Choose a setting. Make a list, using all your senses, of that place's attributes. Try to use neutral words/phrases. Then, using that list as a guide, make two more lists, one recasting those neutral descriptions in a positive light, the other, in a negative. Feel free to consult a thesaurus if it helps.

Now try writing about this place, first from the point of view (either first person or close third) of a character that has a positive association with that place. Then reverse it and write the negative. You do not need to use every item on your list, but try to include multiple senses.

Of course, negative and positive associations are among the least complex emotions you can convey. Take a look at your setting again and see if you can describe it in such a way that conveys loneliness, anxiety, contentment, pride, relief, or some other feeling--perhaps something from a character you are currently working on.
_____________________________

As I wandered down the trail towards the lake, my shoes padded on the pine needled trail beneath me like spongy tofu. The sun's rays shot through the trees here and there. Dew melted along the grass and I picked a slender piece of grass and pressed it between my thumbs and blew. A low to middle pitched sound shrilled out and a squirrel darted quickly across the path. The grass lingered earthy sweet between my fingers, but more than anything I could smell the pine trees. Touching a bough as I walked past, I held on for a moment. This was much better than a $20 Yankee candle.

The air was stifling around me as I walked on the dusty trail through the trees. A horse fly kept buzzing around my head, and occasionally touched my calf. Trying to flick it away, my hair caught on a branch. The air smelled pungent of some sort of dead animal, and as I came around the corner, there was the carcass to the right. Moving a branch in the way, spider webs fell across my face, and I could feel the heat from the dry grass on the sides of the trail. The cicadas were deafening, and I wanted to break free and run until I could see some sort of meadow or a road.

A Pale Angel

Teachers Write from Last Year (8.1.17)

etting the Scene: Do more than just see it

First: Choose either a listed prompt and complete it, one of the images provided or a moment from your own work.

A gleaming _______________

An antique _______________

A secret __________________

A pale ____________________

A magical ________________

A suspicious _____________

An abandoned ___________

A broken _________________

A wondrous ______________

A forgotten _______________

A new _____________________

A hidden __________________

A pale angel. Grandma unwrapped her ceramic nativity one by one. White robes, white wings.
Grandma wiped them all and gave them a good shine.

“Grandma, all of your nativity is white,” Samena says. She wonders, is God white? Is Christ white?
Are all angels white?

“Angels are whatever you want them to be,” says Grandma.

“But all angels have blue eyes and blond hair,” Samena says.

Back at home, Samena gazes at her Christmas tree. On one of the top branches, there is a
white angel, and down further is a brown angel. Her aunt had given her the applicable brown/black
angel as a gift a few years back. Samena remembers when she was five; she asked her mother
when she would turn white. Her mother said, “Why do you want to be white; you have beautiful
brown skin.” She had tried to scrape off her brown skin with a metal spatula from the kitchen,
but nothing happened except for a purple bruise.